As parents, we all have different strategies for raising our children. How we punish, how we reward, how we praise, how we argue. We find the method that works best not just for our families but also for each individual child within it.
To me, that’s a good thing. A great thing. Because no one way is the “right” way.
For the most part, I try not to judge the choices other parents make for their children. There’s no handbook on how to do this and I sincerely believe that we’re all just doing the best we can. Figuring it out as we go along, trying to learn from our mistakes and implementing new ideas as we need to. I also believe that we know our children better than anyone and that we are in the best positions to determine what works for them.
Because we’re all working towards the same thing, right? To raise our children. Raise them to be adults.
But that being said…
I have yet to find the same level of tolerance when it comes to one mantra I’ve heard many parents state through the years –
“I just want to keep them little for as long as I can.”
Keeping them little as in shielding them from the harshness of the world, keeping them little as in protecting them from life’s vulgarities, keeping them little as in protecting their innocence and naivete’.
I’ve heard this come up a number of times in the last decade as I interact with other parents.
“I don’t let my child ride the bus. That’s where they learn swear words and other kids can be too rough. I just want to keep them little for as long as I can.”
“I tell my kids that babies come from a stork. I just want to keep them little for as long as I can.”
“We don’t share anything from the news with our kids. It would scare them and we just want to keep them little for as long as we can.”
Just a few examples of the many, many times I have heard this “philosophy” shared in my presence.
And I think to myself – what on Earth is our role as parents?
Because to me, our role as parents is to prepare our children for adulthood. To teach them how to be successfully independent and self-sufficient. To teach them how to deal with their own problems. To teach them how to coexist with people they don’t like or who share a different belief system. To give them the tools they need to thrive using honesty and accurate information.
Guess what? It’s not a “pee pee”, it’s a penis or a vagina. Your child won’t go into a doctor at thirteen needing a “pee pee exam”. She will be needing a vaginal pap smear. Why not use the right words from the get go? There’s no shame in them and giving kids wrong information may cause confusion and distrust later.
Parenting isn’t about keeping our kids little and innocent for as long as possible. To me, it’s the complete opposite. It’s about teaching them, in stages, key components that will enable them to think and act independently. To progress them forward, not stunt their development.
Why else potty train? Why not leave them in diapers for as long as you can?
Why else do we send them to school? Why not homeschool where you can determine what’s safe and appropriate for your child to learn?
Why else do we teach them to look both ways when we cross a street? Why not just keep them on one side of the road?
Maybe I struggle with this because I am a realist. I understand that my kids are going to learn about things whether I like it or not so I would rather they learn from me and their Dad where they will get the truth.
Sometimes we curse in front of our kids. Not by accident either. We have already explained to our children that they are going to hear these words from us, from TV, from school, from everywhere but that they are not old enough to use them themselves. They have not yet learned how and when to use them as that comes with time and maturity.
We allow our kids to go to the neighborhood park by themselves because we’ve taught them about “stranger danger” and being aware of their surroundings and knowing what to do if someone grabs them. We know we can’t “helicopter” twenty four hours a day even if we wanted to.
We watch the news and discuss it as a family so they understand that the world is bigger than them and their problems. Yes, it is scary. Yes, it is rough. But it’s also beautiful and intriguing and inspiring.
“Keeping them little” seems to be more about appeasing what parents want versus providing kids what they need.
And I struggle with believing all this to my core but wanting to remain open minded and nonjudgmental with these parents.
